Real Lives

Thursday October 11, 2007

Mourning has broken

By SANDRA LEONG

Losing a child of any age, in any way, is heartbreaking. A Singaporean couple shares their pain of losing three babies.

NO PARENT should ever have to bury his child. But over the past three years, David Sim and his wife, Angeline, have witnessed the deaths of their three offspring.

Their first son Nathaniel was stillborn and the twins who followed also died. Joash was stillborn while daughter Ashley survived 36 hours before drawing her last breath. All were delivered prematurely.

Last month was exceptionally trying. Sept 11 marked the 100th day of Ashley's passing, while Sept 17 would have been Angeline's expected due date for the twins, had they survived to full term.

The couple have a blog address which leads to a heart-wrenching online memorial for their "princess" Ashley, complete with pictures of the baby's funeral and cortege.

They wrote: "Ours is a road less travelled and we're hoping one day, new joy will fill our hearts and we'll again find purpose and laughter in our empty lives."

The couple – both mild-mannered teachers – agreed to share their story on condition that they would not be photographed.

"The emotions are still very raw," says the bespectacled Angeline, 32. "Pregnancy and delivery should be part and parcel of every married woman's life, yet here we are having to try so hard. Sometimes I feel I let my babies and husband down."

She and David, 36, who has a hint of grey in his crown, wear thin, sad smiles as they recount their journey so far at Mandai Columbarium in Singapore, where the children's niche lies.

Married in 1999, they had always wanted kids. But Angeline's medical condition, polycystic ovary syndrome, which leads to irregular ovulation, meant they had to look to artificial methods to start a family.

Fertility pills and intra-uterine insemination brought limited success. She miscarried two times, each time early in the pregnancy. In early 2004, they turned to in-vitro fertilisation and, to their delight, conceived Nathaniel.

But on Oct 10 that year, about 20 weeks into the pregnancy when she was leaving for work, her water bag suddenly burst. The loss of fluid put the foetus in danger and by the time Nathaniel was delivered at Singapore's National University Hospital, he was already dead.

Recalls David: "It was so much of a shock to us that we let the hospital take care of the cremation. We did not even get to collect his remains ... it is a regret."

Devastated but undeterred, they used the rest of their already-harvested embryos to try again. The twins were conceived in December 2006.

But 18 weeks later, history repeated itself. Seized by contractions, one of Angeline's water bags burst on April 22 this year. Joash was delivered stillborn at the Kandang Kerbau Women's and Children's Hospital (KKH) in Singapore.

A distraught Angeline "told the doctor to end everything". She says: "What were the odds of Ashley making it? But David convinced me otherwise and it was worth it because she was our live-born daughter. We were able to see her, talk to her."

Tragically, Joash's head was dislodged from his body during the birthing process and remained inside his mother's womb until it was discharged naturally three days later. Doctors had chosen not to remove it for fear of sparking another premature delivery of his still-surviving twin.

The staff in KKH's Ward 44 rallied around the couple. Nurses prepared extra small sweaters and diapers for Joash's body, and even persuaded the mortician to stitch his head back so he could get a proper burial.

Fearing infection, Angeline remained in hospital for the next few months. Ashley continued to grow inside her until she was born, three months premature, on June 3.

The newborn seemed healthy, but after 12 hours, her life began to ebb as water started accumulating in her brain. The next day, she lost the fight.

Angeline was then nursing a high fever from septicaemia or blood poisoning – caused by the bacteria from Joash's placenta which had remained inside her for almost two months – and so she spent only two hours with her daughter. It was David who was with Ashley in her final hours.

He says with a sigh: "With Ashley, I felt the brief joy of being a father. I would have done anything to make her well."

Till today, Angeline's doctors are baffled as to why her body goes into pre-term labour each time she is pregnant.

The couple are still coming to grips with their loss. It still hurts, says David, to see other young parents with seemingly healthy children everywhere.

Their first step towards closure was to ensure the twins, unlike Nathaniel, had a proper farewell. Separate memorials were held in their honour.

The Sims were adamant about setting up a niche for their children – with or without Nathaniel's ashes – at Mandai Columbarium, which they visit every Sunday. Completed a few months ago, the niche has a photograph of three dolls which represents the three babies.

They have found an outlet for their grief, in the form of a blog documenting their struggles. They share its Web address with a group of friends and family.

Meanwhile, although adoption remains a possibility, the couple's primary focus is to "get our life back". For solace, they remind themselves that there are other grieving parents like them.

Says David: "Although these things happen to just a small group of people, we know we are not alone." – The Straits Times Singapore / Asia News Network