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Sexcetera

Friday May 16, 2008

After 10 years, hubby feels no passion for his wife

Q: I've been married to a wonderful woman for five years and have known her for 10. She is fun, caring, witty, smart, interesting and a great mother. I love her very much, but in the last several years our sex life has become nonexistent. This is partly because she is never the aggressor, and mostly because I have to admit I'm not physically attracted anymore to this woman whom I love.

She's not unattractive, although she has gained weight since I first met her (but so have I), especially since our child was born. How can I force myself to be turned on by someone who used to do so but doesn't anymore? This must happen to most couples around the world as they get older and change - I guess it's the difference between love and lust - but how do I stay faithful in a relationship if the attraction isn't there anymore?

Steve: I really wish people would read that contract before they sign up. The one that says "for better or worse."

It's hard for me to envision not being attracted to a woman I love. But it's easy to fall into a rote, routine and boring sex life. Have a frank, non-judgmental discussion about this with her. There are many things you can do to perk up your sex life, but the first step is talking about it.

Mia: The reality is this is going to require some effort from both you and your wife. The instant arousal of your early days is no longer going to happen. Try to talk with your wife about what you both want your sex life to be and then really prioritize time together to work on it. Go to bed early some nights or get a sitter and go to a hotel for an evening. If you love her, it's worth the effort.

Q: My boyfriend and I were together for 17 years and went through a lot together. We both went away to get help for our drug problems, with plans to get back together once we were clean. I got out of rehab first and went to live with my son.

He continued additional treatment but was allowed some free time. We saw each other almost every day. We would go shopping, eat lunch and just enjoy each other's company. When he got out, he went to live with his aunt. But he never invited me over to the house or spent a night in mine. He then started telling me that he was speaking to other women. Then, all of a sudden he just said that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore. He had a woman call me to say that it was over between he and I. He wasn't man enough to call me himself.

When I did finally get in touch with him, he said that he is interested in someone else and he's sorry. I hadn't heard from him in a few months and all of a sudden a few days before his birthday he called to say that he still loves me. What's up with that?

Steve: This guy is a total loser, that's what's up. Do not get back with him. There are many better men out there and you deserve better.

Mia: Not only do you deserve better, but you'll have a better chance of staying clean if you don't get back together with the guy who shared your drug problems. Move on and move up.

Q: I'm a 67-year-old spry man, a widower for 10 years, looking for a nice lady. I'm reasonably healthy and everything works! I live in South Jersey. Where's a good place to meet a nice lady?

Mia: I hate to sound like a broken record, but online dating really is a great invention. There are tons of people on there so you have a lot more options than if you go to a bar looking for women.

Steve: The odds are in your favor. There is an oversupply of women 65 and older, so you shouldn't have a problem meeting a nice lady. Getting involved in your local senior center is a good place to start.

  • Steve (not his real name) is 50-something and has been married to his second wife for 20 years. Mia (not her real name) is a 20-something single immersed in the dating scene. If you want answers to your romantic troubles, e-mail them at
    S&M@phillynews.com

    - Copyright (C) 2008 MCT Information Services

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